It’s that time again. Merry Christmas all.
Twas the night before Christmas and on the North Pole
The sleigh was all packed, reindeer ready to role
The presents were loaded all safe and sound
But Jolly St. Nick was nowhere to be found!
The elves checked the workshop, but he wasn’t there
They couldn’t find Santa, they looked everywhere
Lets go up to the house and ask Mrs. Claus
The elf with big ears said as they paused
They trudged through the snow, up the porch on the double
Mrs. Claus let them in and they knew there was trouble
The gifts are all wrapped and were ready to fly
Hey Mrs. C., where is the Big Guy?
Its not looking good boys, Santa’s not well
A touch of E-Coli from last nights Taco Bell.
I know you’ve worked hard, I hate to ruin the plan
But we wont have Christmas if I cant get him out of the can!
To the bathroom they ran to see for themselves
Mrs. Claus ran behind the six little elves
Pinch it off Boss, its time to get started
Santa just groaned and grunted and farted
Think of Funky and Tbone and Gooty and Paul
Remember Tater and Wannabe on your lap at the mall?
My head is on fire and my stomachs all a twitter
Damn Nacho Bell Grande, I cant leave the chitter!
Mrs. Claus looked at the elves with their pointy little ears
I cant believe Im doing this she mumbled through her tears
Put a call into Woody, he can spread the alert
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED. SANTAS GOT THE SQUIRTS.
The elves were dejected, they didnt know what to think
One said, no pun intended, but this really stinks!
Theyve already lost BASS Saturday, they cant be disappointed again
If we cancel Christmas, theyll blame ESPN
We cant cancel Christmas, weve never done it before
They heard a muffled voice say through the bathroom door
Binkwood and Punk have really been rotten
But the rest of the Home Pagers cant be forgotten
Maybe we wont cancel Christmas after all
Slide your phone under the door and Ill make a call
Meanwhile, Back at The Board
Not a creature was stirring, they were out like a light
Spinny and Popi went to bed without a fight
Arby and Redeye, Danco and 3Gs
Had all settled down to catch some ZZZs
The boys were all nestled snug in their beds
While visions of Diva danced in their heads
Theyd all been tucked in for a long winters rest
Not knowing of Santas intestinal distress
Through my window the moonlight was streaming
When I was awakened by some God awful screaming
I jumped to the window and what did I spy?
A twenty foot Bass Cat whizzing through the sky
He did a one eighty, came by for another pass
I thought to myself, who is this dumb ass?
This time he came closer, who is this guy
With all the tattoos and fists pumping the sky?
What was Santa thinking? Where was his head?
Who had he sent to act in his stead?
He could have called Brown, DHL or FedEX
But no, he sent Ike just to piss off the Rednecks!
He landed the Puma out in the yard
With twenty inch spinners it didnt hit hard
Ole Rick thought ahead and Ike proofed the craft
He made him a light pole from a Minn Kota shaft
Santa called and hes feeling pretty crappy
So Im here with the goods to make all the kids happy
He unloaded the Cat as fast as could be
And stashed all the presents under the tree
As he fired up the Yammy to finish up for the night
Ike screamed NEVER GIVE UP! as he flew out of sight
This year, as were fighting and fussing with those who have dissed us
Lets remember the story of How Ike Saved Christmas
Merry Christmas 2006
Hammer
.
